Gaudy Bar Gewgaw

"Hiiiiiiiiiii! Vanessa and I are here tonight promoting [insert drink here] and if you buy three you'll get this [insert crap here]!"

We've all been approached by them. It's awkward. No one likes it.

Yet beverage companies regularly turn to female promoters, or libation forcing floozies, to sell their product and hock junk. Cheesy trinkets get thrown around for the price of purchasing a certain beer or tasting a nasty liquor concoction. More often than not these knickknacks are tacky clothing or accessories that ultimately end up in the Goodwill pile.

Inevitably, if you frequent bars as I do, you will be approached by these ladies of the trivial. Most recently I acquired these rockin' sunglasses from one such encounter...

The cost was the mere purchase of some root beer flavored vodka drink. Thanks, Smirnoff. I like to leave the glasses as a coffee table piece - provides the illusion that women frequent my man cave.

The best piece of superfluous garbage ever bestowed was filched by yours truly. While that last sentence reeked of sarcasm, it was, in fact, sincere. Two promoters (read prostitutes) were navigating the crowded bar and pushing multiple beverages - one of which happened to be Dewar's 12 (scotch whiskey). The promoters, after reaching their two hour quota, left behind their treasure trove of souvenirs for vultures to pillage. My reward was this handy golf shoe bag...

Justification on keeping the bag around comes from one simple fact: it isn't uglier than sin.

Now...the inspiration for this post was not merely to showcase frivolous items in my closet. Instead the post is to call out the muse: the sassy trash that walked into the gym wearing this...

The Rockstar trucker hat was accompanied by the cool-girl gait and thick eyeliner - all contributing to make this individual as klassy as Ke$ha.

These gaudy gewgaws should never make it in to your regular wardrobe cycle as they did with this girl. Wearing these items is legitimate only during the stupor evening on which they were acquired or when attending the inevitable white trash party.

Rember: you will be approached; it will be awkward; you will not like it. Bar flies are just doomed to encounter promoters; however, if you sample their wares and wear their samples, do so responsibly.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf

The Art of Man Camp

Good weather is upon us, and with it comes the opportunity to camp. Our team is embarking on the first camping trip of the season, so I've provided some guidance on the essentials of true man camping. The art of man camping has been lost with such distractions as preparation, cooking, and vanity.

It's time to grow a pair. Pack your bags and come with me. You're invited to man camp.

Preparation is for Boy Scouts. No need to set the tent up prior to leaving. A missing tent pole is simply an opportunity to sleep in your original, Picasso-esque, creation. The lopsidedness gives the tent character. In situations where all tent poles are MIA, simply sling the tent carcass between two cars and sleep underneath it. Better yet, forgo the tent...sleep in the damn cars.

Nutrition is important when man camping - strenuous activities such as building fires, drinking beer, and sharpening sticks into weapon-like objects takes a lot of sustenance. To ensure there is ample time to complete these camping chores, cooking must fall by the wayside. The menu calls for trail mix, pepperoni sticks, and Funyuns. The cured meat and onion puffs will be devoured, and everyone will pitch in picking out the M&M's from the shitty trail mix. Because they may be utilized for breakfast and as a dessert, Cocoa Puffs may make an appearance on the man camp menu - they are delicious.

Man camp is BYOB. Pack enough beer to last you a month because you'll ultimately finish it by the end of the weekend. Truck in the shitty stuff to share, but also schlep a small selection of good beer to use as currency. Don't want to set up the tent? No problem. Pay your buddy a micro brew to do it for you. Remember: there's no such thing as too much - leftovers are a desired problem. There's nothing worse than a dry campsite...except maybe a dry wedding.

Keep in mind every article of clothing you bring will smell like smoke and BO by the end of the trip. Even the shit you don't wear - the stuff still in your bag - will smell like smoke and BO. Pack accordingly. Showers are an unavailable luxury, so there really is no need to bring a clean change of clothing. Gone for two days? One pair of underwear. Gone for three days? One pair of underwear. Gone for four days? One pair of underwear! So on and so forth. For those prissy campers concerned about smelling nice - take a couple pine cones and rub them in your armpits, on your feet, and around your genitalia.

Man camping is a wonderful experience and a chance to live it up with your closest friends. Side effects of man camp will include crushing hangovers, abdominal cramping, massive bloating, and severe constipation, but the memories will last a life time!

xoxo,
ShavedGolf

Bloody Contributions

When people find out I donate blood, they generally ask, "You donate blood?" which is quickly followed by, "They let you donate blood?!"

It's true - the Portland Red Cross loves to suck my fluids.

Recently, I've noticed that the Red Cross could use some help in their marketing department. They always need more donors, but their trite reasons to donate fall flat on the masses. Free cookies and juice just aren't cutting it anymore.

The following is a list of reasons I donate, and you should too:

The Nursing Staff.
They're young. They're attractive. They're nurses. Hitting on the hemoglobin hotties helps pass the time. Most are female, but I don't discriminate. And if the nurse has a ring on, as most nurses do, I try harder. In order to donate, donors must answer some personal questions. Very similar to speed dating. For example, when the nurse asks, "Have you ever had sex for money?" I casually respond with, "Oh you wouldn't have to pay me." Fifty percent of the time it works every time.

The Exercise Excuse.
Believe me, physical exertion becomes extremely difficult post donation. A short run, climbing the stairs, a rousing game of just-the-tip - all become painstaking feats resulting in cramps and exhaustion. Full recovery time can take a couple weeks, so this provides an acceptable excuse to avoid activity. So sit on the couch, take the elevator, and push that frisky SO off of you.

The Drunk Donor.
The less blood circulating your arteries, the easier it is to get intoxicated. It's simple physics. Be sure to drink water prior to donating, but as soon as you leave that donor's chair, head straight to the local public house and order the highest alcohol contented brew possible. You're gonna be one cheap date tonight.

The Donor Deduction.
Blood donations are tax deductible. Because I donate red blood cells, I cannot sell my plasma. Income from plasma can be as high as $300 per month, multiply that by twelve months, and you're missing out on $3,600 annually. Turbo Tax won't prompt you for this deduction - clearly a simple programming oversight by Intuit.

To learn more about donating blood or to schedule an appointment, visit the Red Cross on the web: http://www.redcrossblood.org/

Follow the Portland Red Cross on Twitter: @RedCrossPDX

xoxo,
ShavedGolf