The Art of Man Camp

Good weather is upon us, and with it comes the opportunity to camp. Our team is embarking on the first camping trip of the season, so I've provided some guidance on the essentials of true man camping. The art of man camping has been lost with such distractions as preparation, cooking, and vanity.

It's time to grow a pair. Pack your bags and come with me. You're invited to man camp.

Preparation is for Boy Scouts. No need to set the tent up prior to leaving. A missing tent pole is simply an opportunity to sleep in your original, Picasso-esque, creation. The lopsidedness gives the tent character. In situations where all tent poles are MIA, simply sling the tent carcass between two cars and sleep underneath it. Better yet, forgo the tent...sleep in the damn cars.

Nutrition is important when man camping - strenuous activities such as building fires, drinking beer, and sharpening sticks into weapon-like objects takes a lot of sustenance. To ensure there is ample time to complete these camping chores, cooking must fall by the wayside. The menu calls for trail mix, pepperoni sticks, and Funyuns. The cured meat and onion puffs will be devoured, and everyone will pitch in picking out the M&M's from the shitty trail mix. Because they may be utilized for breakfast and as a dessert, Cocoa Puffs may make an appearance on the man camp menu - they are delicious.

Man camp is BYOB. Pack enough beer to last you a month because you'll ultimately finish it by the end of the weekend. Truck in the shitty stuff to share, but also schlep a small selection of good beer to use as currency. Don't want to set up the tent? No problem. Pay your buddy a micro brew to do it for you. Remember: there's no such thing as too much - leftovers are a desired problem. There's nothing worse than a dry campsite...except maybe a dry wedding.

Keep in mind every article of clothing you bring will smell like smoke and BO by the end of the trip. Even the shit you don't wear - the stuff still in your bag - will smell like smoke and BO. Pack accordingly. Showers are an unavailable luxury, so there really is no need to bring a clean change of clothing. Gone for two days? One pair of underwear. Gone for three days? One pair of underwear. Gone for four days? One pair of underwear! So on and so forth. For those prissy campers concerned about smelling nice - take a couple pine cones and rub them in your armpits, on your feet, and around your genitalia.

Man camping is a wonderful experience and a chance to live it up with your closest friends. Side effects of man camp will include crushing hangovers, abdominal cramping, massive bloating, and severe constipation, but the memories will last a life time!

xoxo,
ShavedGolf

The Seven Rules of Beer Debt

Roughly two years ago, I entered a rustic bar along rural highway 30 with a coworker.  We were headed to the Oregon coast - Seaside - after just completing our last legs in the mother of all relays - the Hood to Coast.

We grabbed a celebratory beer.  Coworker paid.

Fast forward to approximately two weeks ago - I enter a trendy sports bar on the east side (Spirit of 77) with a small group and amongst them, the same coworker.  Hurriedly, we order our beers and asked for the check - stopping in for a quick pint before hitting a work related dinner.  After assuring the waitress it was us not her, I exclaimed, "I've got this...I owe you a beer from two years ago."

My declaration of Beer Debt was met with laughter and jeers.  That I would keep true to my commitment made by downing a 22 oz Hamms two years ago seemed absurd to my friends.

Their mockery was met with scorn.  Beer Debt is serious.  Therefore, I give you...

The Seven Rules of Beer Debt

• The first rule of Beer Debt is: you do not talk about Beer Debt.
• The second rule of Beer Debt is: you DO NOT talk about Beer Debt.

This cheeky 90s reference (yes, Fight Club came out in the 90s) is merely to say that the bond of Beer Debt is an unspoken one.  There is no need to discuss Beer Debt publicly - this may lead to, among other things,  disbelief, as my anecdote above proved.

• Third: if this is your first time acknowledging Beer Debt, you have to buy a round.

OK...last Fight Club reference, but seriously, if this is your first time acknowledging the sanctity of Beer Debt, then you've probably been skirting your obligations.  Subsequently, you might be out of drinking buddies.  Time to make new friends and treat them right.

• Fourth: there's no scorekeeper.  

It's like golf - tally your own drinks.  This is the honor system at its best.  Don't keep score what you're owed...unless there's a mooch in your midst...then call that bitch out.

• Fifth: quality matters.

If a friend provides an ancient Bavarian brew from Babylonian times crafted out of mastodon urine, nectar from the Garden of Eden, and fermented in Aphrodite's womb...don't return the favor with a PBR.

• Sixth: Beer Debt is transferable.

Beer Debt can be cashed in for other goods and services.  Food, foot massage, sexual favors - these are are acceptable forms of Beer Debt repayment.  However, it's important to note, this process is non negotiable.  The sixth rule refers back to the first and second in that there should be no discussion of Beer Debt.

• Seventh: the Rules of Beer Debt may be amended.

If it benefits those that dip into alcoholic lines of credit by utilizing Beer Debt, or if abuses are reported in the system, the Rules of Beer Debt may be amended.  Justice shall be handed down swiftly for misconduct or exploitation of the Beer Debt - drinking privileges will be revoked and you will be appointed designated driver.

Use Beer Debt wisely and you will be rewarded with honor, respect, and most importantly, plenty of drinking buddies.

xoxo,

ShavedGolf