Mum's planned a trip to visit her parents in the motherland and because Dad refuses to take care of kitties I'm vested with the title of Old Cat Lady for two weeks.
With the empowering position of cat protectorate comes three (3) pages of word processed instructions on the proper care of the kitties. The following are excerpts from Mum's cat manual.
Omissions have been made in the interest of brevity and to protect the innocent. Enjoy!
DAILY
AM
When you get up, Buddy and Izzy will want to go outside (unless it's raining). Before you feed them or when you eat breakfast, Belle likes to walk around on the deck, sometimes she goes just off the deck but she doesn't stray. Typically this is the only time she goes out unless you are there all day and she shows an interest. I never leaver her out for long.
Clean out litter boxes with litter scoop (morning and evening). [Omission: three different locations for plastic bags to fill with cat shit.] Make sure bag does not have a hole before you start. Tie full bags and put them in trash bin in garage. If litter boxes are not kept clean they will have lots of accidents in an effort to avoid all the dirty spots. I find if I clean it out twice a day I have less accidents [Discovery: Mum has been using litter boxes]. Keep litter fairly full (1/2 way) so that they can bury it and it doesn't smell so bad. Sometimes they miss [Admission: me too], the pads should collect the urine but check underneath just in case it found a way to seep under. [Omission: instruction on cleanliness and pad replacement.]
In morning, please put food on clean plates, pick up old ones and soak in sink before putting in dishwasher. Belle gets 1/2 can of diet food [Addendum: fat Belle resembled black and white Jaba the Hut], if the can has come from the fridge mix it with a little warm water. Her plate goes near the mail box cabinet. Buddy and Izzy: 1 can of classic Fancy Feast on their plates (Izzy by side of fridge, Buddy by kitchen entrance). I usually get all three plates ready then feed Belle and Izzy then Buddy [Notation: feeding order is important]. Belle will always try to clean everyone's plate: I let her unless Izzy is not in an eating mood and has not eaten much (probably means she had a tasty morsel outside [Addendum: occasionally tasty morsel has not been fully consumed and is still very much alive]).
Replace water.
PM
Around 6:00 Belle gets 1/2 can of diet food, mix with warm water if the can has come from the fridge. Her plate goes near the mail box cabinet. Buddy and Izzy: 1 can of Fancy Feast on their plates (Izzy beside fridge, Buddy by kitchen entrance). In evenings I usually feed Buddy first then Izzy then Belle. [Addendum: as the notation above states, feeding order is important; upon asking Mum why the order changes in the evening, I was provided with the explanation that Mum did not want any cat to get a complex over being fed last or an inflated ego by being fed first every time.]
Change water if it looks dirty.
[Omission: verbatim instructions on litter boxes.]
Give lots of love! Referee any fights, if Buddy gets in one of his moods (attacking the other cats or biting you [Addendum: bitch better not bite!]) he may need to go outside to calm down. It doesn't take long for him to regroup and then he can come in again [Admission: my emotional scars don't heal as quickly].
Around 9:30 call cats in (most times Buddy will be out front and comes in laundry room door - he walks very slowly [Confirmation: FUCKING SLOW], Izzy will be out back somewhere, you may have to call her a couple of times, when you hear the rustling in the undergrowth you know she [Addendum: or a velociraptor] is coming). Put a very little amount (no more than 1/8 cup) of dried food on their plates [Addendum: precision is import - 1/8 measuring cup provided to ensure accuracy]. Belle should never stay outside if you are not here - she has no claws. She typically only goes out first thing in the morning - on back deck for brief constitutional [Addendum: my favorite term used by Mum].
[Omission: emergency contacts including, but not limited to, primary care veterinarian, emergency veterinarian, and an alternative veterinarian.]
As evidenced by the mandated cat care procedures, Mum loves her cats. Upon arrival to motherland, emails back were inquires about cat conditions and expressions of longing. As a son, yours truly was given gratitude for taking care of the cats [Admission: jealous].
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
This is pretty much brilliant.
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