Well guess what, dumbass. All that shit's poison so guess what you've got the next day. That's right, a receipt for a $200 bar tab, an upset tummy and a slamming headache. It's a massive hangover. Epic, brah.
You got your bitch ass into this mess, and now you gotta pull you bitch ass out. Fortunate for you, I binge drink for a living. I know the cures. I know the remedies. Stick with me, follow the plan, achieve greatness.
Start with the list. These are the items to have prior to that epic evening.
The List...
- One bottle of water
- One 7.5 oz can of Coke
- One roll of toilet paper
- One box of wet wipes
- One $5 bill
Don't...
...sit in bed until mid afternoon. Maybe you feel paralyzed and it hurts to move, but doing nothing in bed is accomplishing little. Plus it's a waste of a fucking day. Get up. Get moving. Beat this shit.
...chug the water. The damage is already done. Your body is already dehydrated. The best way to rehydrate is to do so slowly. Guzzling water achieves very little as your body cannot process large quantities of water as fast as you can drink. You'll end up pissing it all out.
...eat the greasiest morning meal. We all crave grease after a night of drinking, but that gut bomb is only going to increase the pain and cause a brand new set of symptoms such as stomachache, bowel problems, and love handles.
...vow to never drink again. That's not gonna help cure your stage four hangover, and ultimately you have neither the inclination or willpower to pull it off. Plus you sound like an idiot.
...complain. No one gives a shit.
Great. We've laid down the ground rules. Now let's cover the recover.
Do...
...brush your teeth. The night of binge drinking and bar food chomping has your mouth tasting like tacos and vomit. Clean that shit up with a little toothpaste. That minty fresh feeling will make a world of difference.
...crack that bottle of water and sip. As mentioned above, guzzling this bottle is useless. Sip slowly. Gurgle. Alleviate some of the dry mouth.
...reach for the short can of Coke. Why Coke? It has the perfect balance of caffeine, sugar and sodium to aid your recovery. There's a reason hospitals serve it and ultra marathoners drink it. Coke works. Why the short can? Because you don't need that much, fatty.
...hop on the commode for judgement day. Your asshole has a date with destiny. Sit down, hold on, enjoy the ride. Now would be a very good time to whip out the TP and wet wipes. That monster shit has been brewin'. The stomach stew is a nasty concoction of your poison of choice and the gut bomb you devoured along with. Don't force it. Don't rush it. This turd is a test of patience, endurance and tolerance.
...wipe.
...jump in the shower. A little personal hygiene goes a long way. You smell like the floor of a drunk tank and you're sticky like one, too. But the shower isn't just to smell rosy; the hot water and accompanying steam will feel delightful. Plus your asshole is still dirty from that hangover shit. Wash it out.
...dress yourself.
...take the five spot to the Starbucks and order a tall drip and a turkey bacon breakfast sandwich. Coffee is an obvious choice. That'll wake you the fuck up. The turkey bacon sandwich might seem odd. Remember, you're hungry for grease but are trying to avoid over consumption. Well this turkey bacon sandwich has just enough grease to satisfy the craving while not destroying your innards anymore than last night did. Plus it's got egg on it; protein that will see you through the day.
...face the day.
That's it. That's the secret recipe.
Saturday is gonna be pissed if Friday gets all the fun, so don't let that pesky hangover leave you in the dog house. Get rid of that shit. Get the list. Follow the steps. Survive the weekend binge. Now get out there and recover like a pro.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
Love it.
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