Orthognathic Necessity

My jaw is crooked. It wasn't always off-kilter. Once I entered my teenage years, the jaw gave the rest of my body the middle finger and went off in it's own direction.

The rebel chin has resulted in pain - a constant headache sensation from ear to ear. Some days the discomfort is mild, other days it can be similar to a migraine. Eating has also become increasingly difficult as my jaw pops, locks and drops it.

Little does my mutinously mutated mandible realize, I'm plotting punishment for its individualist tendencies. Surgery.

Dr. Surgeon says he'll cut my jaw bone in two places in a procedure known as orthognathic surgery. He'll basically move that bitch straight back to whence it came.

There's a catch. Insurance. My provider, Providence Health Plans of Oregon, has denied my preauthorization for surgery. Can't blame them...orthognathic surgery is clearly listed as an exclusion in the member handbook. So while Dr. Surgeon hounds PHP via the appeals process, I've decided to appeal to their more sensible sides here on my blog.

Bacon.

Perhaps the most enjoyable fodder to appear in the average American's daily diet. Delicious, juicy, succulent bacon. Just one problem - I can't eat it. My incisors don't line up making it impossible to enjoy the flatness that is bacon.

In order to process the greasy treat, I must moosh the pig strips into a well-compacted ball. The bacon ball is then pushed to one of two points in my mouth where my teeth touch. Occasionally I leave the pinch of bacon between my teeth and lip like a fatty piece of chew.

Restaurant menus are filled with an ever increasing number of bacon-topped cuisine. They torment my taste buds with bacon concoctions I cannot possibly enjoy properly. Any dish with bacon is a cruel tease - the allusive strips sail straight passed my incisors unscathed.

I've provided the detailed self portrait of my mouth below for the benefit of Providence so they can better appreciate my plight.

Note the gap. There is ample space between the teeth for a piece of bacon to slide right through completely unharmed.

So PHP, if you're reading this, I admit that I'm no surgeon. I don't have a medical degree. I can barely pronounce "orthognathic," much less explain what the surgery entails. However, I happen to enjoy the occasional strip of bacon. On my burger, in my sandwich, adorning my doughnut. For this reason, I beg you to reconsider your declination.

This is not a rant about some unjust insurance company; instead, this is a plea. A submission of desire. An appeal to the taste buds. I long for normalcy in the devouring of bacon. And while the insurance company may dispute whether the surgery is medically necessary, there is no disputing the necessity of the operation for proper bacon consumption.

Can't I have my BLT and eat it too?

xoxo,
ShavedGolf