The mailbox for my NW district apartment is comparable to the rental space it supports - small. Unfortunately, the size and my inability to remember to snag the mail compounds to an avalanche cluster fuck once the miniature door swings open.
This persistent conundrum is worsened by the relentless onslaught of advertisements. Redplum. Rite Aide. Safeway. QFC. IKEA. Clipper Magazine. Ads from unwanted merchants show up weekly. These ads are truly the spam of the snail mail era.
I live in Portland. I vote Democrat. I watched Captain Planet. Because of these reasons, I decided to reuse the never ending supply of paper.
First attempts at repurposing the unwanted ads led to the shitter. Wiping an ass with glossy ads is like cleaning the crack with silk. The sleek surface is built for speed, but be forewarned, paper cuts are an ever present danger. This practice was hampered by the regular clog accompanying every bowel movement. The landlord was pissed.
In an attempt at avoiding another work order for clogged pipes, I began lining the bathroom floor like the cage for a parrot. Toilet troubles be damned! The floor was my bathroom! Disposal and a constant odor not even Febreze could hide led to the downfall of this technique.
Realizing that the bathroom was perhaps not the best place for my reusing plan, and in a scramble to get to a birthday party, I grabbed a fist full of ad and used it as bachelor wrapping paper. This idea is truly solid and I'm still using it today. However, due to the high volume of ads, my social life and miserly soul cannot keep up with the flow.
Apartment decor was the next flash of brilliance. Bachelor pad wallpaper. Similar to the newspaper style wallpaper you might find at a shitty Subway fast food joint, but far more valuable. On the off chance Redplum had sent a Dominos Pizza ad, it could be ripped straight from the wall. This method worked until it was brought to my attention that bachelor pad wallpaper might be chick repellent.
Undeterred from using ads to decorate, I attempted origami. The apartment ceiling would look magnificent with hundreds of paper cranes flying from fishing line. Origami was scrapped after my first crane attempt - I got to step 11 and was so frustrated that my temper tantrum was confused for a domestic dispute. Two officers responded.
In the end I settled on the most logical reuse idea of all. I began mailing the ads back to the distributor with a note demanding they reuse and resend to a more receptive recipient. Weekly ads are saved, eventually slid into an envelope and postmarked for the spam HQ.
Gaia, the spirit of the earth, can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet. Recyle, reduce, reuse, and close the loop. Cuz saving the planet is the thing to do. Looting and polluting is not the way. Hear what Captain Plant has to say...
The power is YOURS!
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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