Disclaimer: While I do not consider myself an expert in the art of interweb dating, I am lonely enough to blog about it. Keep in mind this mini-series is written by a man - any woman that disagrees with what is written beyond this disclaimer can STFU.
Part One: The Profile
Your face. The first impression. The first thing people judge. The first challenge in profile construction: which picture of your goofy ass to choose for the world wide web of women to critique?
The Jiminy Cricket of internet dating would tell you to snap a MySpace style pic at the very moment of profile conception so that you are as honest and upfront with every woman that ogles your profile.
The ShavedGolf of internet dating is telling you to squish that annoying internet insect because he's not going to get you laid. Post the most attractive Polaroid you have. The shot from that one summer when you lost 25 lbs will do nicely. Reason: everyone expects you to post your best pic, so if it's not, your shitty photo is assumed to be the best. Therefore you are ugly.
Perfect. Your picture is a devilishly handsome pic of younger you from yesteryear. But now you need content to go with that pretty pinup.
Content can be excruciatingly difficult for a simpleton. When fleshing out the profile with your weak wordsmithing, it's important to keep in mind that you're boring and no woman is really interested in you. Fact: you're on internet dating for a reason.
Omit trivial drabble about your Dungeon and Dragons hobby, that you successfully went for one week without showering, that you successfully went one week without defecating, and that you fuck on the first date. You aren't impressing women in real life with these tedious tidbits.
Sprinkle comedic musings throughout the profile - if you make the woman laugh, she may choose to ignore your looks.
Once finished with profile content and the resulting depression from the realization of your inferior command of the English language, move on to the survey questions. Every site has some gimmicky gauntlet of general Q and A.
The more questions answered, the better the chances of a match. The more questions answered, the better chance you're a loser. A profile displaying 268 answered questions belongs to one with too much time on their hands. If the site runs out of questions to ask, it's a sign.
Best advice for filling out the survey: answer the questions in a manner in which the woman you're trying to attract would answer them. Answering questions truthfully will only attract a woman equally as bizarre as you, and honestly, no one wants you two procreating. Or even practicing to procreate.
Congratulations! You've got the pic. You've got the content. You've got the answers. Now sit back, relax, and watch the bitches roll in.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
i answered somewhere near 300+ survey questions during my stint on that site. I thought, "if anyone notices how much free time you have they will inevitably be in love with you due to the inherant knowledge that you will have enough time to dote on them"
ReplyDeleteimportant to note that i was unsuccessfull in the OKC universe