Pitfalls of Internet Dating or: How I Didn't Meet Your Mother; Part Two: Messaging

Welcome to ShavedGolf StoryTime's first mini-series entitled Pitfalls of Internet Dating or: How I Didn't Meet Your Mother. The three part series is dedicated to the abysmally depressing world of cyber-arranged relationships.

Disclaimer: While I do not consider myself the authority on the art of electronic courtship, I am horny enough to blog about it. Keep in mind this mini-series is written by a man - any woman that disagrees with what is written beyond this disclaimer can eff a goat.

Part Two: Messaging

Congratulations on surviving the gargantuan task of creating an online dating profile, but quit patting yourself on the back because there are more social landmines ahead.

Statistically speaking, you're outnumbered, outwitted, and outgunned. Demographics of internet dating sites follow the 80/20 rule in multiple categories:

• 80% of the population is male, 20% female
• Of the female population, 80% are lesbians, jury's still out on the remaining 20%
• 80% of the non-lesbo crowd is out of your league, the remaining 20% are possible soul mates

Forget the plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea argument because when all these categories are compounded, you're left with maybe two or three women. Better get to work, you've got some trolling to do.

Finding a target is tricky. Most women choose shitty pictures and write even worse profiles. They can do this because they are women and therefore rare. Economics 101 teaches the principle of supply and demand; this principle can be applied to internet dating: women are in short supply, there is a high demand, and you are fucked.

While searching for The One, you will notice that all women of the website fall in to one of following five classifications:

• Woman with well crafted profile - she's ugly
• Woman making kissy-face in one/all of her profile photos - she's a moron
• Woman wearing fake mustache - she's a smelly hipster
• Woman who opens profile with statement about how she hates to talk about herself - she's a liar
• Woman with humorous profile - she's mythical

Pick the one that irritates you the least. She'll do. Click the message button and let's begin.

Messaging is similar to approaching a woman in a bar; the exception being you are only as foul as your ugliest picture, so she might actually correspond with you. Admittedly untrue because your half-witted and slurred pickup lines aren't doing you any favors at the local cantina either.

Peruse the target's profile, carefully note anything she mentions that is interesting, and cling to this tidbit like a life preserver. This unusual factoid is your in. Exploit it. Ask the prospective lady friend a question about her odd personal detail. Sprinkle in some humor. Tell her nothing about yourself (she doesn't care). Keep it brief.

Once you go pro, you can expect a success rate of roughly 13%. That's right...for every 100 bitches messaged, you'll get 13 responses back. FYL.

Banter back and forth with any wench willing to give you the time of day. Ask questions about anything she says. Omit trivial addendums from life experience - information about you only makes her yawn. The key will be to convince the self-centered female counterpart on the other end of the Cat 5 cable that you aren't a creeper. This task is challenging because you are, in fact, a creeper.

Inevitably she'll get bored with you and quit responding. Raise the white flag after two follow up messages, request for an exit interview, and proposition for casual sex.

Move on to the next victim. Rinse and repeat.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf