Hugs: You're Doing It Wrong

For too long the world has suffered from inadequacy.  For too long we've endured the agony of impotent physical interaction.  For too long too many have doled out the most insincere, feeble, or coy versions of personal touch.

Hugs.  Shitty hugs.  They're rampant.

Undoubtedly you've been a victim of the lackluster embrace.  The instant that weak hug occurs, you cringe.  A poor hug is like blue balls for the soul.

There are numerous hugging techniques deployed with the intent of avoiding full body contact.  One such method is notoriously utilized by women: the butt-out hug.  Regardless of relationship status - be it acquaintances or besties - women stick their posterior out with the intent of skimping on a full hug.  Image analysis reveals the hugger's intent.  The rear end protrudes in order to prevent genitals from touching and to minimize chest-to-chest contact.  It's uncomfortable.

Another classic technique is the side hug.  In a side hug, the hugger uses only one arm to pull close and gently press their side against the side of the huggee.  The side hug is the preferred technique of first dates as a greeting or farewell.  The side hug says "we're friends, but we're not that good of friends."  Alternatively, the side hug could mean the hugger is sheepish and lacks confidence.  The side hug could be read as cowardice.  It's embarrassing.

Whether it be a butt-out, a side hug, or some mutant variation, all techniques lead to physical frustration.  The huggee is left jilted.  The muted, dull hugs are insufficient.  They lack compassion.  They're absent of gusto.  They're hollow.

Fair enough.  That's your prerogative.  I have mine.  In that instance, when deciding between a full embrace and feigning friendship, don't fucking touch me.  I'd rather get a wave goodbye.  Shit.  Even a cheesy thumbs up would be better.  I may lose my man card for saying so, but quit fucking around and hold me tight.  Squeeze me.  Bear hug me or don't even bother.

If you're uncomfortable feeling the other person's body, you shouldn't be hugging.  If you're gonna hug, do it right.  Feel that person up.  If you care that much that you're willing to touch them, then fucking go for it.  A weak hug is like a limp handshake.  It's a disappointment and both parties leave unsatisfied.  So get in there and fucking enjoy it.  Stop being a timid pussyfoot.  Don't half ass it.  Move in for the kill.  Pull them in close.  Hug the shit out of them.  It's what you both want anyway.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf


Image pirated from never-without.blogspot.com