Gawd, I hate work lunches. The whole thing really ruins my day. Not only does the meal consistently disappoint, but it has a tendency to drain any energy or motivation I had from the morning. I could be running completely hot. Just killing it. Pounding through the work like a machine. Then I head to lunch and it doesn't matter what I fuggin' eat, the result is almost always the same: siesta mode followed by long poop.
Today was no exception. I ate the worst turkey sandwich I've ever eaten in my life. Absolutley. Hands down. The fucking worst. Yes, I made it. Got out of bed, took a shower, made a sandwich. Dumb fucking idea.
I started with cheap knock off bread. Not really knock off. It isn't pretending to be bread it's not. The bread is perfectly aware how shitty it is. It wasn't name brand bread. Fuck if I'm gonna pay five dollars a loaf. I've been shelling out $1.19 for the generic wheat bread. Not even sure it can be called "wheat" bread. Doesn't seem like it's any healthier for you. Looks exactly like the generic white bread with a spray tan.
Anyway. To make the bread worse, I bought it and immediately put it in my fridge. I know this will dry the shit out of the bread, but I can't get through an entire fucking loaf before it molds. Especially in the heat of this chicken tit August. Why a chicken tit August? Because it's been really hot and because the healthy temperature of a chicken is 107.5° Fahrenheit. There. You learned something new today. You're fucking welcome.
The bread was next to the jar of mayonnaise. Now...I spared no expense on the mayonnaise. It's that olive oil crap that's supposedly healthy for you. What they don't mention is that it tastes like narwhal semen. It's foul. Plus I don't really go through mayonnaise that quickly, so the shit has been festering in the back of my man fridge for longer than I care to think about. But the bread's dry, so I lather the hell out of one slice with the porpoise jizz.
Every sandwich deserves a great slice of cheese. My sandwich received cheese but was denied greatness. Like a foot sinking in mud, the individually wrapped, mass produced, sweaty cheese was squished atop the heavy mayo pool on the bread. Gooey mayo slopped out the side. According to the marketing printed on the package, the cheese was allegedly pepper jack, which I can neither confirm nor deny.
The other slice of bread was lonely and demanded my attention. I decided to moisten the dry slice with Kroger dijon mustard. The large container of dijon was only recently cracked, but I can already tell it's headed for the dumpster as soon as I can pick up some Grey Poupon. My newly acquired, bargain mustard just doesn't have enough kick. Word of advice: don't skimp on the mustard; spring for the good stuff, you cheap bastard.
Now, with my dry bread wetted, it was time to throw down the main course of the sandwich. Again I had turned to Kroger for my sandwich needs and the meat had originally satisfied. Unfortunately, like the mayonnaise, the turkey meat has been hunkered down in my fridge praying to see the light of day again. The deli meat had probably been laying around for a month. The aging process left the meat dry and mostly anemic. Devoid of turkey flavor, the meat was nothing but texture. It was like chomping on chilled, thinly sliced rubber.
What better way to complete the worst insult to my taste buds than to top the terrible turkey with a moldy tomato? I need to give credit where credit is due. That tomato really held out. I bought it the same time as the deli meat. Yes...one month ago. The confused fruit only had a couple infected spots and once those were sliced off it would be fine, right? The problem was twofold. First, I sliced a huge honking piece of that bitch for the sandwich. I like tomatoes, so it seemed like a great idea. Second, NEVER TRUST A TOMATO THAT LASTS A MONTH. What the fuck was pumped into that tomato? Likely due to HGH coursing through the tomato's innards, the confused fruit had zero taste.
So all this was thrown together in the haze of my morning fog, transported to work, and was waiting for me at lunch. Oh the joy. Just try and imagine the first bite. Your teeth pierce the dry bread and your taste buds are assaulted with disgusting mayo and lackluster mustard. Somewhere in the hot mess is a piece of sweaty cheese. Next up, the tasteless tomato oozing it's genetically altered juices all over your mouth. Then comes the turkey meat which would double as a patch for a wet suit.
That's what I had for lunch. Can't wait for tomorrow.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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