Black Snake Moan

ShavedGolf Industries
6969 Lick My Dick Lane
Portland, OR, 97269

To The American Firework Industry:

It has come to the attention of the American people that you have promoted, produced and sold an epically lame firework entitled Black Snakes. This letter is to serve as a formal cease and desist for reasons of false advertising, liberty infringement, and high treason.

Your work entitled Black Snakes, which annually appears in the hands of disappointed children, is false advertising. Your work, Black Snakes, is a disgusting perversion of the definition of firework. Products that stay on the ground and do not emit sparks, flares, any form of projectiles, or any sound cannot be considered fireworks. Simply put, your product is not fun.

Your blatant disregard for entertainment during the Fourth of July holiday is unpatriotic.  Products that merely steam ash when lit, labeled as fireworks, and sold to Americans to celebrate their liberation from tyranny, borderlines on terrorism. Therefore, I believe you have willfully infringed on American liberty as outlined in the Constitution and could be held for treason and liable for statutory damages as set forth by God.

America demands that you immediately cease the production and distribution of all infringing products, including but not limited to Black Snakes,Jumbo Anaconda Black Snakes, MeDusa Jumbo Black Snakes, Colored Snakes,Dizzy Snakes, Mighty Max Snakes or any other item currently in production with snake in the name. All unused, undistributed Black Snakes, and various knockoffs, are to be destroyed immediately.

Americans are tired of these mother fucking snakes on their mother fucking driveways!

If I have not received an affirmative response from you by Independence Day indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall consider taking any and all legal remedies available to promote fun, defend freedom, and protect America.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf