Well fuck this and fuck that, I say, and prepare yourselves for the ultimate guide to eating like a dude in his mid-twenties. Exactly what you need to satisfy the stomach pangs of that closet bachelor within. Welcome to The Bachelor Diet Picture Cookbook.
Chapter One: Appliances
Effective preparation of food will be seriously inhibited without the following bachelor diet tools.
The microwave. This fucker cooks everything. Period. If this fucker does not cook food item, item is deemed inedible and is not purchased.
One fork. One spoon. One knife. Utensils may be left dirty for extra flavor.
The pizza wheel. Also doubles as crust-remover for those wishing to experience elementary PB&J like mom used to make.
Can/bottle opener combo. Truly the Swiss Army Knife of kitchen appliances.
Chapter Two: Food
These iced meals are nutritional gold. Title and packaging allude to the idea of healthy contents within. Cooking instructions found on the back. Plus they're cheap. Stock up on these things Y2K style.
Fred Meyer sells a $1 microwavable pizza. That's one fuggin' dollar! A greasy gut bomb delight.
Fish has protein in it. Tuna is a fish. Nuff said.
Beverage of choice: beer. Light beer is used to wash food down. Dark beer is used as an MRE.
Snack of choice: crackers. Often accompanies a dark beer MRE for crunchy satisfaction.
To spice up the menu, keep seasonings on hand. Pepper. Cholula. Love.
Chapter Three: Supplemental Insurance
Because doctors, nutritionists, and lawyers may not agree with the above dietary recommendations, supplement consumption with supplements. Like a meal in pill form.
Afterword:
Satisfying the stomach is, in the end, merely an opinion. Personal preference for tantalizing the taste buds should not be judged by others. However, in the spirit of those casting scorn upon my cookbook, I'll slight your eating style.
Time spent slaving over savory concoctions doesn't make you superior. It boils down, pun intended, to an opportunity cost pertaining to quality of life. We make a judgement on how much time we allot to food preparation, and what you dub as useful exploration into culinary genius, I deem a waste.
It's a hobby. Food is the result. No different than this blog. Every week I spend hours blogging. It's a waste to some, but the end result is a blog, and I am satisfied. Equally satisfying is the variety of Lean Cuisines in my freezer.
So the next time you consider handing out unsolicited advice from your nutritionally superior lifestyle, please keep in mind that the individual on the receiving end doesn't give a shit. If it tastes good, he eats it.
After all, you are what you eat, and I eat the bachelor diet.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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