Useful Euphemisms

Modern day perverts are scrutinized for everyday vulgar vernacular they drop on unsuspecting conservatives. In the quest for political correctness, it may be requested that the deviant's crude language be silenced. In effect, censorship.

Limitations on the freedom of speech drive the dogged degenerate underground and forces s/he to speak in code. Enter euphemisms - dialect developed with the goal of leaving the tight-assed traditionalist scratching their pointy head. Aiding the cause of these devil-tongued terrorists, the following is a list of my seven favorite euphemisms, their definitions, and their proper use in a sentence. For consideration and inclusion in your vile vocabulary, I give to you...

The Seven Useful Euphemisms

Pressin' the Flesh
Start cautiously. Tread lightly. Test the waters with this commonly used term for a handshake, but turn it into something more.

Proper use in a sentence:
I took her back to my place and it wasn't long before we were pressin' the flesh.

Bump Uglies
First utterance CE is credited to Dr. Turk Turkleton on an episode of Scrubs. The word bump refers to the action of thrusting during intercourse, while the uglies refers to the reproductive glands.

Proper use in a sentence:
Dude...it smells like someone bumped uglies in your back seat.

Wrestling the Wookie
Kashyyyk is the dog-eat-dog home world of Wookies within the Star Wars universe. A planet where the strong survive and the weak are fed to Rancors. To wrestle with a Wookie and live to tell about it is a true feat of strength, courage, and honor. The phrase was coined to disguise the act of masturbation.

Proper use in a sentence:
I wrestle the Wookie so others don't have to.

Body Spelunking
Mask sexual endeavors with an uncommon sport: spelunking. The cave innuendo is lost on no one, and throwing body on the front clears up any possible misnomer that you wish to explore a subterranean area. Not recommended for use around those with claustrophobia.

Proper use in a sentence:
We harnessed up and went body spelunking all afternoon.

Bedroom Tetris
As a child growing up in the 90s and glued to my Game Boy, I had hours of Tetris practice. Now as an adult, practice is proving to pay off as I attempt to fit pieces together in the bedroom.

Proper use in a sentence:
I just set the highest score in bedroom Tetris!

Sheath Excalibur
Condoms are a necessary evil in a pre monogamous life. Fortunately the word condom doesn't have to be with this throwback to the Knights of the Round Table.

Proper use in a sentence:
King Arthur never had to sheath Excalibur when he was with his dear Guinevere, but they were married and his only option was lambskin.

The Trilobite Tangle
Evolution is a commonly accepted theory in the scientific community. Human genitalia evolved from trilobites. This veiled provincialism again refers to sexual intercourse. Not recommended for use around Creationists or those with weak stomachs.

Proper use in a sentence:
Just finished studying for our paleontology exam; we really crammed the trilobite tangle.

If the above made your virgin ears scream, you may side with the aforementioned condemning censors. You may be one that would limit the speech of others in the interest of pushing their beliefs through the subversive claims of political correctness. You may have motivations to straitjacket the tongue of those that speak such a loathsome lexicon. If that's the case, this blog may not be for you.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf