Blog maintenance is a bitch. Each week I wrack my brain for trivial tidbits and pull some random topic out of my ass that's just entertaining enough to keep you fockers coming back for more. Failure to entertain leads to dwindling readership. Dwindling readership leads to a deflated ego. Deflated ego leads to erectile dysfunction. So you see, I MUST entertain to maintain this prose boner.
This week the audience will be entertained with its own creativity. I've kept an eye on the blog stats and collected some of the off the wall shit you people are searching that somehow lands you on my page.
Of course, I can't just leave you with your own idiocy, so I ridiculed the searches for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy.
sexual hand gestures
Undoubtedly searched by a naive junior high school administrator confused by hand gestures being made by unruly adolescents. He wants to write them up, but had to consult my blog for evidence of their wrongdoing.
jedi regret
Clearly a mistake. This search is a paradox. First, Jedis do not make mistakes, so there's nothing to regret. Second, regret is an emotion, and Jedis don't have that shit. Fucking, noob.
is my plasma donation fee tax deductible?
Are you seriously coming to Blogger for tax advice? That's like using Wikipedia to write a research paper or relying on Urban Dictionary for Scrabble reference. Next up, soliciting legal advice on your Facebook wall.
disguised masturbator
A plethora of meanings could be drawn from this search. Masturbator dresses up in costume for a roll play scenario to spice up love life with self. Masturbator disguises self to blend with surrounds and surprise attach unsuspecting victims. Masturbator disguises action of self pleasure for the purpose of performing publicly (see: Mike Cooper).
pubic floss
You sick fuck.
army men fighting godzilla
Truly an unfair match up. There isn't a military force on the planet capable of taking out Godzilla. Fuck...if Matthew Broderick couldn't do it, what chance do army men have?
dub mother f*cking step shirts
I get it. Dubstep is popular. Wait. No I don't. This shit looks like the crappy animatronics at the Pirates of the Caribean ride. Dubstep is the robot reborn. Shame on you for liking it and the shirts they make about it. But more importantly: how the fuck did this search get you to my blog?!
Ahhh...just reached prose boner climax.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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