Every year you sign up for the same blistering punishment. The NFL season is supposed to be a joyous time, but instead, you're dealing with the anguish of another awful fantasy football clusterfuck. Nothing goes your way. Draft picks blow. Injuries hit hard. Your piecemeal team doesn't perform.
Beyond the expectation of failure and embarrassment are the various personalities making up the rest of the league. The other managers are friends, but they're the friends you love to hate. Here, now, are the ten people in the league that make you hate the new American past time...
The Cocky Champion
Everyone hates a winner. Hey, chump, you aren't God's gift to fantasy football. Gloating lasts a couple months and you're guaranteed a reminder next season. The league was auto draft, twat hole!
The Mid-Season Quitter
Overly enthusiastic at the beginning of the season, this ass clown waves the white flag after getting repeatedly crushed through the first eight weeks of the season. He's lost interest and neglects his rotation. The abandoned team has byes and IR's throughout. He beat you week one, but everyone else gets an easy W.
The Armchair Quarterback
Lending rotation advice in the middle of Sunday's action. Often unsolicited. Where the fuck were these injury reports and player updates four hours ago?!
The League Historian
Dude...I don't give a FUCK who won the cheapo $5 buy in league last year, let alone who won it the year prior. Focus on this year. Your team blows.
The Team Analyst
Reviewing all the draft picks and free agent signings...of his team. Reliving the draft picks one by one. Recounting the stellar free agent snags. Even the obscure players. Who fucking cares?
The Player Hoarder
This guy cleared his bench immediately following the conclusion of the draft and started collecting all the quarterbacks. When your QB goes down, you have to deal with this dude, and he'll screw you. He won't win the league, only your ire.
The Chat Braggart
No one reads that smack talk chat window. The text is in faint, six-point font and your insults suck. Get some wit and a skywriter and I might pay attention.
The Low-Ball Trader
Offering you a trade for your first round RB with some garbage free agent shit you watched him pick up last week. Nice try, buddy, but I can read the stats sheet just as well as you. Go fish.
The Fantasy Professional
If this guy isn't getting paid to play this shit, he's spending way too much fucking time doing it. Lobbies for an in-person draft annually and is consistently disappointed. He's willing to take a field trip to training facilities for scouting purposes.
The Lucky Noob
This newbie's never played in a fantasy league. He's been asking you for pointers all season long. When it finally comes time to smear this queer in head to head, he owns you 147 to 62. Fuck.
Fortunately your fantasy team doesn't make the playoffs so you can enjoy what's left of the regular season. With a sigh of relief, you can finally appreciate a Sunday afternoon of NFL action without pouring over stats, rooting for players on teams you hate or dealing with the bitches in your league. It's over...
...until next season.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
And waking up on Sunday at 7am with a hangover just to set up your team. Devotion.
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