Grow a beard. It's manly. Wash that beard. It's disgusting.
If you're blessed with the thick facial hair that's potential is even a quarter of da beard on Brett Keisel's face, then you owe it to the world to grow that son of a bitch out. But the world is also owed a thorough washing of said facial feature.
Hair holds scent well. Too well. While you may grow accustom to the unrelenting odors emanating from your chin Wookie, the general populace has not. The stench of the fourth meal gut-bomb you chowed last night lingers.
Now, your beard scent is of little concern if you're a hermit attempting to attract bears; however, if the social scene is your goal, beard scent improvement is a must.
Now that the beard is floating like cloud nine, pull out that fresh lice comb. In addition to quelling pesky lice rebellions, the comb will sift out the food leftovers you were saving for later. The Frosted Flakes from this morning. The Fritos from lunch. The French fries from last week. Dinner is served.
The beard may give the illusion of a fluffy cloud, but it's rough as sandpaper. Time to condition that bitch. Lather up with a handful of Suave Apple Conditioner. Fuck...use the whole bottle...it's cheap as shit. Costs a buck at the Dollar Tree and at that price it's easy to afford a supple beard that smells like you fucked apple pie.
Finally, spritz the beard with the fantastic fragrance of Axe Body Spray. Axe commercials guarantee hot bitches and you haven't had an encounter with one of those since your last trip to the gentlemen's club. Don't hold back. Let the Axe can do the work.
Wonderful. Magnificent. Delicious. Free of food clutter, the beard no longer smells like the Denny's Grand Slam you just ate. Instead the beard buddy on your face smells like a dry-scalped, apple-fucking, frat boy and could be used as a facial flotation device.
Super manly.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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