Recovering with Tiger Blood

The surgery is over. Recovery is in full swing.

One week ago, I went in for a pain-reducing, face-altering operation to realign my jaw and correct my enormous cross bite and minor under bite. The surgeons moved my crooked jaw one centimeter over, the upper jaw two millimeters forward, and the lower jaw two millimeters back. Metal screws and pins were used to hold the hot mess together. End result: a straight bite alignment with a very slight over bite.

The remnants of the extensive correction linger. Scabs over the small pokes into various veins. One needle prick is still swollen and bruised because of a botched entry by a student doctor. I happen to be a squeamish pussy and damn near passed out as a result. The nurse saved me.

Swelling was the worst the day after leaving the hospital. By the time I arrived home, the steroids controlling inflammation had worn off and my face ballooned. Overly voluptuous lips. A massive double chin. Chipmunk cheeks. Friends compared the temporary bloating to Professor Klump. Fortunately the swelling seems to be rapidly receding.

Numbness has taken over the lower half of my face. The tip of my nose and upper lip have been slightly affected. Lower lip and down has been put to sleep and does not respond to touch. Attempts to move comatose flesh are futile. Facial expressions suffer. Because I lack the desire to take a razor to parts of my body without feeling, I am now growing a beard. Besides keeping me warm and fashionably Portland, it hides the bruising well.

Blood ceased trickling from my nose a few days ago. Instead blood combines with mucus and forms a dark red gelatin mix that is blown out into tissues. If the blood/mucus gelatin isn't cleared, it sets in the nostrils as crystal blood boogers.

Pain has been tricky to finger. Most invasive portions of the operation were conducted on bone, specifically the mandible and maxilla. Because of the bone work, I was told to expect immense pain. Worse than my last surgery, a hernia repair. So far I have found this not to be the case. During the hernia repair the surgeon had to cut through considerably more flesh and muscle resulting in near blackout levels of pain. The recent orthognathic operation was similar to breaking a bone, and while I have been woken by pain at night, I have not experienced symptoms of fainting...excluding that student doctor experience.

Of course pain management is primarily done through the use of my friend, liquid oxycodone, or as I have nicknamed it, Tiger Blood. The stuff is bright red, smells like poison and tastes about the same, but the potent effects make stomaching the drug more palatable. In an attempt to raise some quick cash, I am weening myself off the Tiger Blood and plan to sell it on e-bay ASAP.

Pain, swelling, and a new mouth appliance make speech difficult. For the first couple days following the surgery, mumbles and grunts were commonly misconstrued leading to a frustrated ShavedGolf scribbling communications on anything in arm's reach. As the pain and swelling subsided, the speech returned, and I was able to make my first semi-coherent phone call yesterday.

Maintaining proper body weight for the duration of recovery will be a struggle. Surgeons predict that a patient's body mass will be reduced by 10%. Meaning my already skinny ass will be losing approximately 14 pounds. In the past week since the operation, I've lost eight pounds. So for those of you mathematically challenged, I may shrink six more pounds to end up at a puny 128. Just about nine stone for you weird English relatives. Can't remember the last time I tipped the scale at such a staggering weight.

Weight loss is, of course, attributable to my chewing inability. My incapacitated incisors are due in large part to my fucking jaw bones breaking, but also because the surgeons installed a nice piece of hardware. A quasi mouthguard. Attached to my upper braces, the mouthguard will remain in place for about four weeks. For now, I'm all liquids. But hopefully soft solids can be added to the menu as early as this weekend.

The operation and it's buildup have been a long process, but with recovery well underway, an end is in sight. I'm encouraged by what I've seen so far and the recovery progress made in just one week. Very soon I'll be back to the fun-loving, high-spirited, binge drinker you know and love...

...but until that time, I'm trippin' balls on Tiger Blood.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf