Oregon's statehood birthday often goes without notice due to a certain capitalist manufactured, fake holiday. Indeed February 14th is Oregon's birthday. Yesterday marked the 153 year in the union for our great state.
Because yesterday was Oregon's birthday and Hallmarks' holiday, and because my one true love is the great state I live in, I wanted to reflect on this twenty year relationship. I was a mere five year-old when I first graced your green lands, and you were a budding 133 year-old, willing to raise me and love me, you sick fuck pedophile!
In any great relationship, one must take stock of where you've been, where you are, and where you're going. A reflection. What's working and what's not.
Oregon, we're doing so much right, but I think we have room for improvement.
Things We're Doing Right:
Brews
Micros. Macros. And the shit in between. Oregon has them all. Best part is they're all good. Slurp, slurp. Herp, herp. Derp, derp. Drink the Oregon brewskies...they always go down smooth. *sip* Ahhh...that's some refreshing drank.
Geography
Oregon is a pristine playground for big kids. From beautiful beaches to white-capped mountains. From the lush valley to the high desert. Whatever your outdoor activity of choice, Oregon has it. Hiking. Camping. Backpacking. Rafting. Kayaking. Canoeing. Snowboarding. Skiing. Snowshoeing. Windsurfing. Kitesurfing. Spelunking. Climbing. Name it. Oregon has it.
Strip Clubs
We do this shit well. Really well. Portland contains the most strip clubs per capita. Additionally, OR law allows the service of adult beverages during a full nude review - something our neighbors to the north and south cannot boast. Bottom line: we have the most with the least and we're drunk when we do it.
Major League Sports
This is Rip City. Oregon is home to two major league franchises: Portland Trailblazers of the NBA and the Portland Timbers of MLS. While the teams may not bring home national titles, they both boast a healthy fan base. Oregon, and Portland specifically, has some fantastic fandom. Fans will make or break any franchise and, recognizing this, Oregonians show up to support their state representatives in the national sports arena.
Casinos
You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. My own personal bias of casinos comes from spending too much time in Washington state. Like pimples marring a teenagers face, WA is dotted with an overabundance of casinos. They're ugly. They're a waste. They're few and far between in Oregon. Kudos.
Things We Need To Work On:
Education
Children our are most precious resource...yadda yadda yadda. While I might not buy into that crap, you at least need to educate the little fuckers. Schools are now faced with annual budget cuts. I cannot recall the last time I heard of a district with a windfall. This reduced funding obviously impacts the children of Oregon directly, so stop calling it school budget cuts and refer to it as education pillaging.
Hipsters
These people are the result of education pillaging. OK. Maybe not. But they fuggin' seem like it. Put down the PBR and the American Spirits. Instagram isn't that cool. And for God's sake, take a fucking shower. The lack of motivation scares me. Perhaps it's the jaded perspective of a forward thinking, white collar drone. But more likely, hipsters suck.
Infrastructure
We have bridges. We have lots of bridges. Portland is known as Bridge City. Some of them seem ready to fall in. The Sellwood Bridge received a safety rating of 2. 2 out of 100. Quick math puts that at 2%. Not even sure that qualifies as an F-. Additionally, the Interstate 5 OR/WA crossing is a fucking nightmare. While I know both of these projects are in the works, it shouldn't take complete dysfunction before infrastructure is paid some attention.
Taxes
Complaints regarding education funding and infrastructure spending beg for a state budget rebuttal. The income and property tax duality doesn't cut it. We need the third option in the tax triforce. We need a sales tax. Put down your torches and pitchforks. Hear me out. It just seems logical. Why heavily tax two items when moderate taxation on three would do? The current taxation policy seems to open us up to the possibility of imbalance and inconsistency of revenue from year to year based on the economy. This goal is a major reach - sales tax talk is the career death knell of any OR politician.
Oregon, I love you. We've done so much right together, and I'm so hopeful for the future. Sure...there are a couple things we could work on. No relationship is perfect. But I'm confident with your nurturing guidance and abundance of strip clubs, I'll become the man I was meant to be. So I raise my micro brew to the last 153 years, Oregon, and offer a toast for the next 153...
May your valleys stay green.
May you mountains stay snowed.
May your high deserts stay high deserty.
May your micros stay tasty and your macros stay true.
May your strippers stay nude and patrons boozed.
May your children stay bright and your hipsters stay clean.
May your bridges stay safe and your coffers stay full.
May you stay the state I fell in love with.
May you stay my true love for life.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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