If Oregon is my first love, the Xbox would be my mistress. The romance is a passionate one. When that saucy box plays it's sultry turned on noise and sexy X-ball motif, I get a gaming hard on. We aren't sneaky about the affair. I tell my friends. My coworkers are in. The neighbors can hear us go at it every night. So it's safe to say, Oregon knows.
With any adulterous transgression, it's important to take stock of where you've been, where you are, and where you're going. A reflection. What's working and what's not.
Xbox, we're doing so much right, but I think we have room for improvement.
Things We're Doing Right:
Halo
If I was gay, Master Chief would be my boyfriend. The evolution in combat brought me to the Xbox. This decade old franchise remains the ultimate in first person shooters. As Star Wars is to the movie industry, Halo is the video game industry. Sleek and silky smooth, the quality development shows. Let us hope that Microsoft Studios can pick up where Bungie left off.
Assassin's Creed
I am Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Master Assassin, leader of the Assassin's Guild, stalking my prey in the streets of 15th century Rome. The target is a corrupt politician, in bed with the Templars, the ones responsible for murdering my family. Blending with the crowd. Aware of the surroundings within the bustling bazaar. Vigilant of the guards presence. I wait for the right moment. Swiftly I pass undetected through the swarming market. In one move, I reveal my hidden blade, slice into the fat politician's belly, and walk away. Unnoticed. I just creamed my pants.
Battlefield 3
This shit cray! Ain't it Jay? This franchise feels like it skipped a game; that's how much of an improvement DICE made over Battlefield 2. Implementation of Frostbite 2 is to thank for the sharpened graphics and smoother game play of Battlefield 3. The game provides the dirt and grit feel of real war...I assume...because I've never been.
Elder Scrolls
They say we've reached Morrowind. I'm sure they'll let us go. I picked up this franchise when my prison ship reached the shores of Morrowind. Then I was called to aid Cyrodiil during the Oblivion crisis. Mostly recently I walked the Nordic homeland, Skyrim, and fought ferocious fucking dragons. Simply put, Bethesda makes the best role playing games. Anyone who disagrees can go back to their questing and gold hoarding in WoW.
Things We Could Do Better:
Fable
The franchise was promising from the start. Despite Fable's shortcoming in game length, the solid game play, decent story line, and fun leveling system made the original very enjoyable. Then things went south. The downfall started with a lesser story line and tweaks to the leveling system and ended up with a blown attempt at a noob-friendly role playing game. I suggest you keep that $60, run down to redbox, rent it for a few bucks and beat it in a weekend.
Knights of the Old Republic
Dear Bioware,
I know you've been really fucking busy with the development, production and launch of your recent massive multiplayer online role playing game. However, those of us who don't have the time to invest in an MMORPG would like you to release another KOTOR already. The first game's story line made me wet myself. The second game saw many improvements to game play. The third game will be epic. Get to work. You have one year.
Sincerely,
Everyone
Modern Warfare
There is nothing worse than an anonymous, adolescent boy hopped up on sugar and wielding foul language via microphone. That is exactly what you can expect from the Modern Warfare franchise. The disturbing nuisance is to be expected in any game that rewards players with special weapons for eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew. Those little fuckers will drive you bat shit crazy until you mute them. But the reward for listening to their bitch ass banter is the occasional mom telling her brat child it's time for bed. Priceless.
Pokemon
Where the shit is my Pokemon for Xbox?! As a Master Pokemon Trainer, I demand the video game industry revamp Gameboy's Pokemon Red/Blue so I can pwn Gary's bitch ass and send Team Rocket into flight. With my pumped up Mew Two and his powerful psychic attack, I'll sweep every gym and own any online bitch. Meoweth, that's right!
Xbox, I love you. We've done so much right together, and I'm so hopeful for the future. Sure...there are a couple things we could work on. No affair is perfect. But I'm confident with your nurturing guidance and stellar video game titles, I'll become the man I was meant to be.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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