Poke Wars: A New Hope

I don't lose. Ever. Ok. So there was this one year of rec soccer where our team went unundefeated. See what I did there? Double negative. Means we never won a single fucking game. But outside of that forgettable low-point in my rec soccer career, I just don't lose. Instead, I merely have minor setbacks in long drawn out conflicts. I may cede a battle from time to time, but it's with the intention of winning the war.

Enter Facebook. Circa 2005. This dude was on the main spread. Remember this dude? Of course you do. The Facebook, and subsequently this dude's mug, took a while to reach my university. State schools had it, but private schools were late-comers to the bookface. So I make an account. I have a profile. I put up a pic. And soon after creating all this bullshit, I realize the only purpose of the site is to poke people. WTF? Poking? What the shit is this, Zuckerberg?

Whatever. I'm gonna fucking own this poking game.

I was, and still am, a pacifist poker. I'm selective. Calculating. I don't start poking wars...I fucking end them. And so it has been for the last seven years that I have mercilessly poked those who have mistakenly chosen to poke first.

Enter cute girl. Circa 2007. Shit. Zuckerberg made the PERFECT online flirtation device. Poke. Poke Poke. Ah shit...this girl's totally diggin' my pokes. Maybe I should talk to her...naw...I'll just fucking poke her like a creepy cyber stalker.

Whatever. That shit fucking worked.

Bam! Relationship. One year. Two years. Three years. Damnit, Zuckerberg, now I have to go check out wedding bands. No. Not musical instruments. I was fooled. Tricked. This shit was a marriage trap all along.

But at some point during year four, we realized our differences. The relationship had been based on Facebook pokes. We had never really built a firm foundation for future success. Reality set in. We were over.

Whatever. I'm gonna fucking own this poking war.

Here we are. Almost two years later. Guess what...still poking the shit out of her. At this point it isn't clear who started it, who struck first, but we know who'll finish it. Me. I never lose. Letting this poking war die would mean losing the breakup, and I have no intention of letting that happen.

So thanks, Zuckerberg. Thanks for making a site where I can relentlessly poke friends, acquaintances, love interests and total fucking strangers alike. The whole idea is pointless and creepy, Zucks.

But whatever. I'm gonna fucking own this breakup.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf