You Don't Know Me, Groupon.

Sit down, Groupon, it's time we had a little chat. Look...there's no easy or right way to say this, but it needs to be said. You know I really love you and really value some of the stellar deals you've gotten me, right? It was super fun at first. We were two young lovers exploring what the other had to offer.

Well, I think we both know that recently things haven't been as smooth. I haven't bought anything from you in a while and that's because you've been throwing deals my way that I just don't care about.

Half off LASIK surgery? You know I don't wear glasses. Hiking yoga class for 53% off? Does that sound like me? And I really can't figure out why you keep sending all these salon service offers. I told you I like saloons...not salons.

It's like you don't even know me anymore.

Remember when you used to check in on me daily, just once, sending me your latest sweet find somewhere in my city? I loved it. I loved reading your emails. I loved you. But lately I've just felt a little smothered. Every day it's the same routine. Check my email to see what you've sent me. Between the traditional offers, travel deals, and Groupon goods...it's just too much. Honestly, Groupon, nine times out of ten I delete your email without even reading it. You've got to stop. You're turning into a clingy stalker. Seriously.

Ok...so...that's not everything. You deserve the truth. All of it. This won't be easy to hear, but you see...there's someone else. No, no, no, Groupon, please...sit down. You need to hear all of this.

I'm not saying you deserved what I've done, but honestly, Groupon, what did you expect me to do? We've grown so apart over the past few months, and Google Offers was there for me. Google listened. Google Offers is just as in tune with the local scene as you used to be. My first Google was a bagel shop just down the street. Blocks from my apartment! It's like Google knew.

I'm not saying Google Offers gets it right every time. Just this morning Google sent me an advert for heels.com. Way off. Google isn't perfect, but I still find myself attracted to its simple, clean, elegant emails and equally comparable deals.

Look...I'm sorry things ended this way. I know there's other people out there that will treat you better than I did. I wronged you, and I know it hurts now, but I just hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday. I need to do some soul searching, so please respect my decision to safe unsubscribe. I'll see you around, OK?

xoxo,
ShavedGolf