Confident Suction

Shopping for cleaning products whomps.  However, in my quest to find the Holy Hoover, I stumbled across delightful advertisements chalk full of innuendo and unintentional humor.

The following are reviews of popular vacuums...and my immediate reaction to their advertising:

Ad:
Features: Headlight illuminates cleaning path (1). Allergen filtration system captures dust mites, ragweed, common pollens (2). Check-bag indicator, easy-open bag door. Onboard dusting brush, furniture nozzle, crevice tool, 2 extension wands (3). Filter traps 100% dust mites, 99.98% ragweed and common grass pollens (4). Powerful 12 amp motor - provides powerful cleaning performance (5). 15" cleaner width (6).

Response:

1. Perfect for vacuuming in the dark
2. Good for outdoor use
3. Can't wait to use the extension wand in my crevices
4. Really?  Back to the outdoor argument again?
5. Is 12 amps enough to scare the s**t out of my cat?
6. ...would make me feel like less of a man.

Ad:
More convenience, more power and less weight in a compact design (1). A powerful 12 amp motor gives you the suction power and confidence you need to clean with ease (2). Weighing less than 14 lbs, the lightweight design makes it easy to push and easy to carry (3). With no messy filter in the dirt cup, the No Hassle Clean Release Dirt Cup empties from the bottom so you have minimum interaction with dirt, dust and debris (4).

Response:

1. This verbage is recycled from sex toy ads
2. So much of my confidence is derived from the power of my suction
3. This verbage is recycled from sex toy ads
4. Minimal interaction with dirt, dust, and debris from my bottom?

Ad:

Keep carpets and bare floors (1) clean with this vacuum that features Root Cyclone technology for strong suction power and a 16' Telescope (2) Reach wand that helps clean hard to reach spaces. Ball technology lets you steer smoothly with a turn of the wrist (3). This product has been refurbished by the manufacturer (4).

Response:

1. As protected by our Second Amendment
2. Vacuuming and star gazing all in one!
3. Insert male genital innuendo here...good lord...even the innuendo is an innuendo!
4. Translation: it's sucked other people's crap

xoxo,
ShavedGolf