The Small Victories

Discouragingly dreary days during autumn months lead many into a depression spiral. Reduced light. Reduced heat. Reduced fun.

Feeling like a piece of shit in body and spirit can create a multitude of problems in a personal or professional setting. So in order to keep from feeling blue, maintain friendships, and prevent getting shit-canned, I celebrate the small victories of the day. Honoring the accomplishments is not done with a party or event. No cake and ice cream. No fireworks. There is no physical reward, but instead, merely the knowledge that I did something great.

The sensation from utter relief and complete satisfaction is achieved through no easier means than by vanquishing an especially dirty turd. The bigger the better. A mega dump is like birthing, but instead, you're stuck with the product for a couple minutes, not 18 years. Completing a bowel movement creates a sense of jubilation for the remainder of the day. Discharge two in 24 hours and you're the fucking boss!

Ingrown hairs are painful, irritating, and unsightly. So there is no greater pleasure than removing these ingrown fuckers from your body. Like a surgeon carefully conducting an operation, the cancerous hair is identified and removed. Savor the victory by holding the rogue hair hostage and taunting it - make any survivor think twice about growing backwards. Bam! A true triumph of the day!

Nose hairs seem pointless, so there's nothing worse than one of those dicks catching air out a nose porthole. The bastard's at least an inch and looks like a spider leg. As if a pubic hair was bored of it's crotch domicile and moved north to find better real estate. It's dominated the nasal cavity and pestered the nostril interior for far too long. Pluck the fucker. Evict it with a discriminating tweezer tug. Fuck yes! Feeling successful now!

This isn't a lunar landing. It's not the end of a war. There's no cure to a deadly disease. In the spirit of such mediocre events, no physical reward is called for. Don't pop champagne. Don't toss confetti. Just crack a smile, throw your hands up, and announce to the world, "I did something fucking epic!"

See? Feel better?

xoxo,
ShavedGolf

Useful Euphemisms

Modern day perverts are scrutinized for everyday vulgar vernacular they drop on unsuspecting conservatives. In the quest for political correctness, it may be requested that the deviant's crude language be silenced. In effect, censorship.

Limitations on the freedom of speech drive the dogged degenerate underground and forces s/he to speak in code. Enter euphemisms - dialect developed with the goal of leaving the tight-assed traditionalist scratching their pointy head. Aiding the cause of these devil-tongued terrorists, the following is a list of my seven favorite euphemisms, their definitions, and their proper use in a sentence. For consideration and inclusion in your vile vocabulary, I give to you...

The Seven Useful Euphemisms

Pressin' the Flesh
Start cautiously. Tread lightly. Test the waters with this commonly used term for a handshake, but turn it into something more.

Proper use in a sentence:
I took her back to my place and it wasn't long before we were pressin' the flesh.

Bump Uglies
First utterance CE is credited to Dr. Turk Turkleton on an episode of Scrubs. The word bump refers to the action of thrusting during intercourse, while the uglies refers to the reproductive glands.

Proper use in a sentence:
Dude...it smells like someone bumped uglies in your back seat.

Wrestling the Wookie
Kashyyyk is the dog-eat-dog home world of Wookies within the Star Wars universe. A planet where the strong survive and the weak are fed to Rancors. To wrestle with a Wookie and live to tell about it is a true feat of strength, courage, and honor. The phrase was coined to disguise the act of masturbation.

Proper use in a sentence:
I wrestle the Wookie so others don't have to.

Body Spelunking
Mask sexual endeavors with an uncommon sport: spelunking. The cave innuendo is lost on no one, and throwing body on the front clears up any possible misnomer that you wish to explore a subterranean area. Not recommended for use around those with claustrophobia.

Proper use in a sentence:
We harnessed up and went body spelunking all afternoon.

Bedroom Tetris
As a child growing up in the 90s and glued to my Game Boy, I had hours of Tetris practice. Now as an adult, practice is proving to pay off as I attempt to fit pieces together in the bedroom.

Proper use in a sentence:
I just set the highest score in bedroom Tetris!

Sheath Excalibur
Condoms are a necessary evil in a pre monogamous life. Fortunately the word condom doesn't have to be with this throwback to the Knights of the Round Table.

Proper use in a sentence:
King Arthur never had to sheath Excalibur when he was with his dear Guinevere, but they were married and his only option was lambskin.

The Trilobite Tangle
Evolution is a commonly accepted theory in the scientific community. Human genitalia evolved from trilobites. This veiled provincialism again refers to sexual intercourse. Not recommended for use around Creationists or those with weak stomachs.

Proper use in a sentence:
Just finished studying for our paleontology exam; we really crammed the trilobite tangle.

If the above made your virgin ears scream, you may side with the aforementioned condemning censors. You may be one that would limit the speech of others in the interest of pushing their beliefs through the subversive claims of political correctness. You may have motivations to straitjacket the tongue of those that speak such a loathsome lexicon. If that's the case, this blog may not be for you.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf

The Bachelor Diet Picture Cookbook

Recent conversation among age peers and geezers has been dwelling on my diet. Upon hearing bachelor diet ingredients, nutritional guidance is commonly offered. Suggestions pour in. Eat this. Cook that.

Well fuck this and fuck that, I say, and prepare yourselves for the ultimate guide to eating like a dude in his mid-twenties. Exactly what you need to satisfy the stomach pangs of that closet bachelor within. Welcome to The Bachelor Diet Picture Cookbook.

Chapter One: Appliances

Effective preparation of food will be seriously inhibited without the following bachelor diet tools.

The microwave. This fucker cooks everything. Period. If this fucker does not cook food item, item is deemed inedible and is not purchased.

One fork. One spoon. One knife. Utensils may be left dirty for extra flavor.

The pizza wheel. Also doubles as crust-remover for those wishing to experience elementary PB&J like mom used to make.

Can/bottle opener combo. Truly the Swiss Army Knife of kitchen appliances.

Chapter Two: Food

These iced meals are nutritional gold. Title and packaging allude to the idea of healthy contents within. Cooking instructions found on the back. Plus they're cheap. Stock up on these things Y2K style.

Fred Meyer sells a $1 microwavable pizza. That's one fuggin' dollar! A greasy gut bomb delight.

Fish has protein in it. Tuna is a fish. Nuff said.

Beverage of choice: beer. Light beer is used to wash food down. Dark beer is used as an MRE.

Snack of choice: crackers. Often accompanies a dark beer MRE for crunchy satisfaction.

To spice up the menu, keep seasonings on hand. Pepper. Cholula. Love.

Chapter Three: Supplemental Insurance

Because doctors, nutritionists, and lawyers may not agree with the above dietary recommendations, supplement consumption with supplements. Like a meal in pill form.

Afterword:

Satisfying the stomach is, in the end, merely an opinion. Personal preference for tantalizing the taste buds should not be judged by others. However, in the spirit of those casting scorn upon my cookbook, I'll slight your eating style.

Time spent slaving over savory concoctions doesn't make you superior. It boils down, pun intended, to an opportunity cost pertaining to quality of life. We make a judgement on how much time we allot to food preparation, and what you dub as useful exploration into culinary genius, I deem a waste.

It's a hobby. Food is the result. No different than this blog. Every week I spend hours blogging. It's a waste to some, but the end result is a blog, and I am satisfied. Equally satisfying is the variety of Lean Cuisines in my freezer.

So the next time you consider handing out unsolicited advice from your nutritionally superior lifestyle, please keep in mind that the individual on the receiving end doesn't give a shit. If it tastes good, he eats it.

After all, you are what you eat, and I eat the bachelor diet.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf

Gone Fishin'

Just kidding. I don't fucking fish. I'm sick as balls and have a splitting headache. Promise to be back next Wednesday.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf