Following the format of the recent Fantasy Football Fuckers post, and because the world would be a safer place if everyone drove like me, I'm presenting a list of the ten worst driving personas in Portland. The categories may be universal, but Portlanders are especially notorious for the following behaviors.
The Rainy Day Wreckers
It Rains in Portland. A lot. Sometimes for weeks or months at a time. Yet somehow Portlanders forget how to drive in the H2O. Just take it a little slower, keep a safe distance from the car in front, and turn your mother fucking headlights on.
The Lane Campers
Possibly day dreaming and definitely not paying attention, this space cadet can be found in a fast lane near you. Their talents would best serve another lane, but they're content and oblivious. You're up their ass and even with other cars whizzing by them on the right, they remain in your way.
The Hopelessly Lost
Navigation technology is awesome. Google Maps. Smart phones. GPSs. But this clueless fuck has decided to go it alone. Instead they're attempting to use the guess and check method while driving 5 MPH in front of you. They could pull over to let you pass, but won't. Legally you can't go around them, but legally they can do nothing about you flipping them the bird.
The Dazed and Confused
Downtown roads are confusing. All those one-way streets, intersections, pedestrians, cyclists, and hipsters can make navigating Portland proper a daunting task. Unless you fucking live there. It's annoying to see these drivers stop at intersections with no stop signs or callously ignore pedestrians attempting a cross walk. I don't drive like an idiot in your neighborhood...
The Rush Hour Speed Racer
This jerkoff can't handle the rush hour pace, so s/he bobs and weaves from lane to lane. With little compassion for fellow travelers, this driver takes an every-man-for-himself approach to the commute home. Easy, broseph. We're all on the same team come 5 o'clock.
The Overly Cautious
This pussyfoot has trouble merging and uses the break lights once on the freeway for seemingly no reason. Ironically this nervous Nellie is a menace because of their excessively leery approach to the everyday road rituals. Grow a pair, gain some confidence, and drive like you aren't a senior citizen.
The Underly Cautious
Speeding, weaving, and using the shoulder to pass, this asshole thinks your safety is less important than his road rampage. Maneuvering like a precision driver from a Fast & Furious movie, this family man is desperate to get the adrenaline rush he can no longer achieve in the bedroom. Justice is occasionally served when you see him pulled over five miles later.
The Skittish Snow Driver
Guilty. We all are. PDX drivers know not how to drive in the white stuff. When Portland goes snow globe, panic ensues and the roads get fucked. Snow jobs are annoying, but they only happen once a year, and I'll happily use a vacation day to avoid the clusterfuck.
The Distracted Driver
Salem passed legislation making it illegal for Oregon drivers to text message while driving. However, many asshats choose to ignore this law. We all knew it was a shitty idea before it was a law, but for some reason continue to do it. And if I was to take it a step back and say it's illegal to read while driving, people would respond with, "psh, duh, yeah!" So please grow up and stop your LOL'ing and ROFLcopter'ing.
The Washington Outsider
While it seems to be a great banner as a politician, it's a curse on Portland streets. Because of Portland's unfortunate proximity to the WA state, we occasionally have to deal with a WA driver. Beyond the WA plates, this individual is easily spotted because s/he is less courteous, drives faster, and smells bad. Welcome to our fair city, now drive like us or go the fuck home.
Portlanders, it's time to respect our roads and the fellow man in the car next to you, so if you're doing one of these things, you're a douche nozzle and should stop it. Thank you for your consideration.
xoxo,
ShavedGolf
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