The Stanky Fridge Lineup

My fridge smells. Bad. Really bad. Not even Arm & Hammer could cover up the stench. Not that I tried their witchcraft. There's no baking soda in the door, but I bet if there was, it wouldn't do shit. The humming white box in my kitchen might as just well be that because I dare not open it. When I do open my fridge, I doorknob it. The smell has a ten minute half life. Do the math.

The magnificent aroma is the result of leftovers. Produce left to stew. Noxious egg nog. Musty milk . Soup sprouting spores. Burrito bowl bursting with a bitchin' bouquet. All these freeloaders have been enjoying a comfortable home for some time now and living rent free. No longer!

Tonight marks the end of their stinky tyranny. Tonight is the end of their unjust stank. Tonight is our independence day!

Tonight...I clean my fridge. A picture diary. I'm sorry.

An ominous odor stings the nostrils as I closed in on the smelly source. It's rank. It's pungent. It's tangy. Hurriedly I opened the adjacent window and alerted the local firehouse, who in turn alerted HazMat, that toxic fumes may blanket the neighborhood.

Like Gang Enforcement on the east side, I rounded up the usual bitches and strip searched them for signs of foulness. The kitchen became a lineup of suspect stinkers. I booked the lot of them. First up...

Item(s):
Soup
Purchase Date:
Variable; Over One Month
Expiration:
Variable; Past Date
Smell:
Gangrenous
Sentence:
Garbage

Item(s): Super Food
Purchase Date: One and a Half Months
Expiration: Approaching
Smell: Sweaty Gym Socks
Sentence: Garbage

Item(s):
Laughing Planet Burrito Bowl Leftovers
Purchase Date:
Two Weeks Ago
Expiration:
Two Weeks Ago
Smell:
Bigfoot's Dick
Sentence:
Garbage

Item(s):
Holiday Egg Nog
Purchase Date:
Well before the holidays
Expiration:
One Month Ago
Smell:
Rotting Holiday Vomit
Sentence:
Garbage

Item(s):
Rice Pudding
Purchase Date:
December 7th
Expiration:
Didn't want to know
Smell:
Curdled Mucus
Sentence:
Garbage

Item(s):
Fat Free Milk
Purchase Date:
One Month Ago
Expiration:
A Week Or Two
Smell:
Really Not Good
Sentence:
Garbage

Item(s):
Variable Produce
Purchase Date:
I Don't Remember
Expiration:
Fucking Forever Ago
Smell:
Festering Feces Covered In Burnt Hair
Sentence:
Garbage

With the apartment reeking like a dumpster and my appetite shot, I bagged the fuckers and took them downstairs to commence their sentence. Justice was swift. No more freeloaders. No more expiring smells. No more stinky inedibles. The multi-headed dragon was slain.

Stink lingers in the fridge, but the smell is a reminder: always eat out; never purchase perishables.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf