Twat Tweet 3000

The reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated. There's far too much to say, and my ego simply won't allow critics to break this beautiful blog. I must say I was taken aback by the outpour of support from the StoryTime faithful. Thanks for standing up to censorship or, as I call it, terrorism, but next time, you should really read to the end of the post.

So it dawned on me that some of you may be craving more of me. Can't say I blame you. I'm pretty awesome. For the unawares desperate for daily witticism, varied vulgarity, and sizzling romance there is hope. Twitter. I tweet on my twat when I have something vaguely humorous or ambiguously dramatic to say.

The shameless promotion of this blog post happens to be tweet 3,000 for the @ShavedGolf Twitter account. In celebration of this minor momentous milestone, it seems timely to pay homage to the social media that I use, peruse, and abuse. Here, in 140 characters or less, are the reasons I'm on Twitter and you should be, too.

@ShavedGolf: First and foremost, the superfluous and flowery fluff is removed and the remaining content is the raw information you're interested in.

@ShavedGolf: Follow who you want. What's doing in the @NBA? What's @johnboehner thinking? What's @HotPinkTaco serving? Choose who you want to hear from.

@ShavedGolf: You see what I did there? I put @johnboehner & @HotPinkTaco in the same tweet. #WINNING

@ShavedGolf: @twitter can be used for up-to-the-second breaking news. Follow @CNN, @msnbc, & @CBSNews for more breaking news than you care to be broken.

@ShavedGolf: @twitter provides access to individuals that security wouldn't allow IRL. While you can't touch them, you can at least chat them up.

@ShavedGolf: Example: I don't know @ErinAndrews, but I'd like to. I'll tweet her! Bonus: a response or RT from @ErinAndrews is spank bank GOLD.

@ShavedGolf: Everyone's doing it. From @RyanGosling to @RyanSeacrest. From @SteveMartinToGo to @the_real_nash. From @Justin_Stangel to @justinbieber.

@ShavedGolf: Shit, even @kingsthings is on @twitter and he's older than your grandparents...combined.

@ShavedGolf: But forget those shlubs! I'm on @twitter. You love me. You clearly don't get enough of me. So sign up, log on & enjoy my shit.

Sometimes I tweet. Sometimes I twoop. Sometimes I drunk-tweet. Sometimes I sex-tweet (like Weiner's wiener). Regardless of my cognitive state, location or demeanor, you can be assured of one thing: it's 100% @ShavedGolf 110% of the time.

xoxo,
@ShavedGolf

StoryTime Says Goodbye

Death comes for us all. Even blogs. Bloggers always fear the end. The end of their blog. The hobby that's kept you busy night after night. The writing carefully crafted into a unique piece of art. The words that you hope will entertain friends, loved ones, and the world.

Late last week, ShavedGolf was contacted by the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC email was an obvious template. Poorly written, too...I would know, I'm a blogger. The stock email was to inform me of multiple complaints lodged against this blog for crude humor, foul language, and offensive bigotry against Portland hipsters.

While the email stopped short of being a complete cease-and-desist, it did recommend a change of tone and a new direction for my weekly writings in the interest of avoiding civil suits. This is all paraphrased with sprinkles of assumption, but suffice it to say, the email was enough to give pause.

My creation. My thought. My writing. My art. Despite it's popularity on the web (with well over 11,000 hits in just over a year) had caused enough people anguish that they felt it necessary to contact the FCC. Simply shocking and, frankly, hurtful.

StoryTime for me isn't just some afterthought. The blog is more than just a side project. The weekly postings have quickly become my number one hobby. While it's understandable that it won't be entertaining for all audiences, it's extremely saddening to hear that my content has risen to the point where the federal government is now reaching out to me. Even worse to think that I've disappointed and/or disgraced those that I care most about, my faithful audience.

Unfortunately, after discussing my options with friends, family and my attorney, I've decided this will be my last post. In the face of civil action, I blinked. Some may see this as cowardice, but, simply put, I'm trying to do what's best for my future.

To the StoryTime faithful, a heartfelt thank you for sticking with me. Week after week. Post after post. It's been a privilege and an honor to fill your monitors and mobile devices on a regular basis.

To the handful of individuals that I've offended, truly, I'm sorry. Never once did I maliciously write something with the intent of causing grief. My goal was never to hurt. I'm sorry I let you down.

With that, I'm off to new things, bigger adventures, and a lot more free time on my hands. We've had a good run, but I'm sure you'll fill your 5 minutes every Wednesday night with something infinitely better. Best wishes to all. Cheers.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf





































Just kidding, fuckers! See you back here next week.

Match Money Management

For the money, you'd be hard pressed to find a more entertaining value than a season ticket to the Portland Timbers. The sport is soccer. Either you love it or you don't. I'm not gonna debate the beautiful game with you. 90 minutes of all out effort, constant action, and big sweaty men. Sounds like late night at Embers.

If the game alone isn't enough to get you in the stands, then the atmosphere should be. The fan base for this team is amazing. Rabid, intoxicated crazies chanting, singing, dancing for damn near three hours. The unity on the pitch is enjoyable, but the unity in the seats is just as awe-inspiring.

I bought in as a Timbers season ticket holder in their inaugral MLS season with the intent of saving money. I had been to matches in the past, I had fun, I knew I wanted more. The price was right. 18 bucks a pop if you bought the full season package. Little did I know the team's popularity in the Rose City would make this season ticket decision the only avenue to attend a match as all 20k seats for the tiny Jeld-Wen pitch sell out. In fact, all seating for the 2012 season has sold out.

Needless to say I'm thankful I bought the season pass, but it soon dawned on me that I really wasn't saving money by attending weekly matches. Any savings attributed to cheap season tickets was being unloaded at the jacked-up concession stands.

The prices are truly outrageous. It's a monopoly. Those Jeld-Wen bitches have you by the balls. Once your ticket is scanned, there's no readmitance (not a word). You're screwed. You have to eat their food. You have to drink their beer. They know it and they raise concession stand prices to let you know they know it.

In the interest of helping my fellow man avoid match day financial ruin, I'm going to provide you with some season ticket holder trade secrets of match money management. Translated in laymen's terms: you're going to sneak a lot of shit in.

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink...unless you pay $5 or you're smart about it. The skies could not have opened up more than they did Monday for opening night. Torrential downpour is trite but accurate. This rain of biblical proportions makes the cost of a $5 bottle of Dasani feel like a punch in the dick. Really, Jeld-Wen? Five bucks for the sustenance of life? Without this shit, you keel over and die in a matter of days, and Jeld-Wen Field thinks it's OK to price gouge for it.

Calm down. Don't panic. No need to start drinking from the puddles out in the concourse. The stands have exactly four drinking fountains in two locations for match-goers to quench their thirst. I'll save you the trouble of asking the Jeld-Wen concourse henchmen (they don't fucking know anyway) and draw you a map. X marks the spot.

Now if you're sitting in the Timbers Army (yellow section), you are furthest from the fountains. Wouldn't it be great if you had some sort of container to hold water that you could carry with the purpose of quenching thirst at any point during the match? A water bottle, perhaps? Well fuck! Fun fact! They allow you to bring containers into Jeld-Wen so long as they're empty. So bring your bottle, fill that shit at the start, and enjoy H20 for the duration.

OK, so now you have a limitless supply of water and a method in which to transport it. Great. Unfortunately filling up on water will only stave those hunger pangs for so long. You're going to need to establish a food source.

Jeld-Wen Field has any number of different options sure the please any foodie. Savory meat pies from Pacific Pie Co. A Timber Brat with sausage from local Zenner's. Delicious Thai food. Tender BBQ. Qdoba Mexican Grill has two stands. And of course the traditional options are available as well: hot dogs, hamburgers, pretzels, nachos...whatever.

Just one problem. Those tricky Jeld-Wen bitches know you have a stomach. Again, these prices have been heavily tampered with. There's no shame. If you're hungry enough, you'll let your stomach start making the financial decisions. You cannot allow this to happen lest you go broke.

Admittedly, the solution to the food source conundrum is somewhat dubious. While you don't have deep pockets, you do have pockets. Prior to entering Jeld-Wen, I turn my personal garments into a fat man's utility belt. I hit up Taco Bell on Burnside and line my pockets with burritos and Crunch Wrap Supremes (they're good to go). The rent-a-guard lackeys are unlikely to search your person and even less likely to question the warm bulge in your pants.

Sweet sustenance! You have food, you have water. What more could you possibly...oh fuck! You forgot the beer!

You're doomed. There really isn't a viable option for the beer enthusiast to hoard his cash and enjoy his brew. Short of strapping the 12 beer can holster to your chest, you will pay the $7.75 domestic/$8.50 premium beer prices.

Wait. What's that you say? You're only looking to get shit faceded? Well fuck! This we can handle. The solution to the shit face situation is even more chancy than the aforementioned food acquisition.

Where food is a banned item on Jeld-Wen's list, alcohol smuggling is against the law. The OLCC states that any alcoholic beverage intended for park consumption must be purchased within the gates of the alcohol monopoly. It's like the 21st amendment never even passed!

Despite the legal implications, I know you're gonna try anyway. Flasks. Lots of them. Three or four if you have room next to all those bean burritos. You're like a prohibition rum runner. You're a libation liberator. You're...you're...fuck, dude...are you already drunk?

Remember, the key to success with the flask method is moderation. Much like your low tolerance for the hard stuff, Jeld-Wen has a low tolerance for public drunkenness. The Jeld-Wen safety patrol doesn't take too kindly to belligerent individuals. To evade the discerning eye, limit your sauce consumption and save your drunken tirades for the after-party.

Pennies pinched. Wallet secure. Bank account safe. 401k unscathed. With a little effort, some forward thinking, and a dash of luck, even the frugal can enjoy the beautiful game. Jeld-Wen is an amazing pitch, the talented Timbers team impresses, and the rowdy crowd of 20,000 faithful is a sight to see.

Truly, it would be hard to find a more entertaining value than the production gracing Portland's pitch every other week. Match day is joyous for all who attend, so I encourage you to find a ticket and get to a game. It's worth it. The memories will last a lifetime.

Rose City Til I Die

xoxo,
ShavedGolf

Grand Jury Investigates Rare Candy Use Within Pokemon Community

Last week federal authorities launched a Grand Jury investigation into the rampant use of rare candies among Pokemon and their trainers. Rare candy was a much sought after Pokemon training supplement in the early 2000s for it's miraculous ability to level a Pokemon without gaining any experience. In more recent years, the Pokemon League has banned the use of rare candy under it's substance abuse policy.

Rare candy is now seen as a performance enhancing drug within the Pokemon community. Despite it's rumored side effects and the league's do-not-use label, an active rare candy black market lingers. This black market is seen as a blight on the sport and one the Grand Jury hopes to clean up.

There was little surprise when the jury indited well-known Pokemon trainer Ash Ketchum. Ketchum was called to testify today, and when asked if he had ever provided rare candies to his Pokemon, he maintained his innocence:

"Supplements were handed out from time to time. Training can be rough on Pokemon...as a trainer it's my responsibility to look out for these guys. Sure...I gave them supplements...iron, protein, whatever, but I never knowingly providing rare candies to my Pokemon."

Poliwrath, formerly known as
Poliwag, has openly admitted
to rare candy use through
much of his career. Photo
courtesy of halolz.com.

Ketchum's testimony is contradictory to the testimony provided last week by his fellow trainer and long time friend, Brock. Brock is the Pewter City Gym Leader and is a prominent rock-type Pokemon trainer. When he took the stand last week he was asked about Ketchum's rare candy use:

"Ash and I have used rare candy to level our Pokemon for damn near a decade. The ban's made it difficult...rare candy is even rarer, so we've become a little more selective...I honestly don't see any other way to level a Magikarp."

The courtroom became heated when Ketchum's former Pokemon, Pikachu, took the stand. When asked if he had ever taken rare candy, Pikachu became defensive: "Pikachu. Pikapee. Pika pika! CHUUUUUUU!" Clearly agitated by the accusatory line of questioning, Pikachu was asked to step down from the stand and the hearing took a brief recess.

Professor Oak, Ketchum's Pokemon mentor, will likely be called to testify later in the week. In addition to the personal connection, many of Ketchum's Pokemon blood samples were sent to his Pallet Town laboratory for rare candy testing.

Beyond the Grand Jury hearings, Ketchum is facing harsh criticism in the court of public opinion. Ketchum's long-time rival in the Pokemon arena, Gary, had this to say: "I always knew he was cheating!" When asked about suitable punishments for trainers involved, Gary continued: "I hope they take his Gym Badges!"

Indeed badges may be stripped from those trainers involved, but heavier sanctions may be leveled in order to set an example within the Pokemon community. League officials could choose to reduce a trainer's Pokemon scholarship availability, penalize with battle suspensions, or revoke a trainer's license amounting to a life-time Pokemon ban.

xoxo,
ShavedGolf