Match Money Management

For the money, you'd be hard pressed to find a more entertaining value than a season ticket to the Portland Timbers. The sport is soccer. Either you love it or you don't. I'm not gonna debate the beautiful game with you. 90 minutes of all out effort, constant action, and big sweaty men. Sounds like late night at Embers.

If the game alone isn't enough to get you in the stands, then the atmosphere should be. The fan base for this team is amazing. Rabid, intoxicated crazies chanting, singing, dancing for damn near three hours. The unity on the pitch is enjoyable, but the unity in the seats is just as awe-inspiring.

I bought in as a Timbers season ticket holder in their inaugral MLS season with the intent of saving money. I had been to matches in the past, I had fun, I knew I wanted more. The price was right. 18 bucks a pop if you bought the full season package. Little did I know the team's popularity in the Rose City would make this season ticket decision the only avenue to attend a match as all 20k seats for the tiny Jeld-Wen pitch sell out. In fact, all seating for the 2012 season has sold out.

Needless to say I'm thankful I bought the season pass, but it soon dawned on me that I really wasn't saving money by attending weekly matches. Any savings attributed to cheap season tickets was being unloaded at the jacked-up concession stands.

The prices are truly outrageous. It's a monopoly. Those Jeld-Wen bitches have you by the balls. Once your ticket is scanned, there's no readmitance (not a word). You're screwed. You have to eat their food. You have to drink their beer. They know it and they raise concession stand prices to let you know they know it.

In the interest of helping my fellow man avoid match day financial ruin, I'm going to provide you with some season ticket holder trade secrets of match money management. Translated in laymen's terms: you're going to sneak a lot of shit in.

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink...unless you pay $5 or you're smart about it. The skies could not have opened up more than they did Monday for opening night. Torrential downpour is trite but accurate. This rain of biblical proportions makes the cost of a $5 bottle of Dasani feel like a punch in the dick. Really, Jeld-Wen? Five bucks for the sustenance of life? Without this shit, you keel over and die in a matter of days, and Jeld-Wen Field thinks it's OK to price gouge for it.

Calm down. Don't panic. No need to start drinking from the puddles out in the concourse. The stands have exactly four drinking fountains in two locations for match-goers to quench their thirst. I'll save you the trouble of asking the Jeld-Wen concourse henchmen (they don't fucking know anyway) and draw you a map. X marks the spot.

Now if you're sitting in the Timbers Army (yellow section), you are furthest from the fountains. Wouldn't it be great if you had some sort of container to hold water that you could carry with the purpose of quenching thirst at any point during the match? A water bottle, perhaps? Well fuck! Fun fact! They allow you to bring containers into Jeld-Wen so long as they're empty. So bring your bottle, fill that shit at the start, and enjoy H20 for the duration.

OK, so now you have a limitless supply of water and a method in which to transport it. Great. Unfortunately filling up on water will only stave those hunger pangs for so long. You're going to need to establish a food source.

Jeld-Wen Field has any number of different options sure the please any foodie. Savory meat pies from Pacific Pie Co. A Timber Brat with sausage from local Zenner's. Delicious Thai food. Tender BBQ. Qdoba Mexican Grill has two stands. And of course the traditional options are available as well: hot dogs, hamburgers, pretzels, nachos...whatever.

Just one problem. Those tricky Jeld-Wen bitches know you have a stomach. Again, these prices have been heavily tampered with. There's no shame. If you're hungry enough, you'll let your stomach start making the financial decisions. You cannot allow this to happen lest you go broke.

Admittedly, the solution to the food source conundrum is somewhat dubious. While you don't have deep pockets, you do have pockets. Prior to entering Jeld-Wen, I turn my personal garments into a fat man's utility belt. I hit up Taco Bell on Burnside and line my pockets with burritos and Crunch Wrap Supremes (they're good to go). The rent-a-guard lackeys are unlikely to search your person and even less likely to question the warm bulge in your pants.

Sweet sustenance! You have food, you have water. What more could you possibly...oh fuck! You forgot the beer!

You're doomed. There really isn't a viable option for the beer enthusiast to hoard his cash and enjoy his brew. Short of strapping the 12 beer can holster to your chest, you will pay the $7.75 domestic/$8.50 premium beer prices.

Wait. What's that you say? You're only looking to get shit faceded? Well fuck! This we can handle. The solution to the shit face situation is even more chancy than the aforementioned food acquisition.

Where food is a banned item on Jeld-Wen's list, alcohol smuggling is against the law. The OLCC states that any alcoholic beverage intended for park consumption must be purchased within the gates of the alcohol monopoly. It's like the 21st amendment never even passed!

Despite the legal implications, I know you're gonna try anyway. Flasks. Lots of them. Three or four if you have room next to all those bean burritos. You're like a prohibition rum runner. You're a libation liberator. You're...you're...fuck, dude...are you already drunk?

Remember, the key to success with the flask method is moderation. Much like your low tolerance for the hard stuff, Jeld-Wen has a low tolerance for public drunkenness. The Jeld-Wen safety patrol doesn't take too kindly to belligerent individuals. To evade the discerning eye, limit your sauce consumption and save your drunken tirades for the after-party.

Pennies pinched. Wallet secure. Bank account safe. 401k unscathed. With a little effort, some forward thinking, and a dash of luck, even the frugal can enjoy the beautiful game. Jeld-Wen is an amazing pitch, the talented Timbers team impresses, and the rowdy crowd of 20,000 faithful is a sight to see.

Truly, it would be hard to find a more entertaining value than the production gracing Portland's pitch every other week. Match day is joyous for all who attend, so I encourage you to find a ticket and get to a game. It's worth it. The memories will last a lifetime.

Rose City Til I Die

xoxo,
ShavedGolf